Sunday, March 11, 2007
Have been too busy working to blog.
The standard school holidays have begun, but i'm still all alone.
My age friends are either in army, working full-time, or having school attachments.
My ex-colleagues are busy with work too.
My juniors are tied down by school remedials, and tonnes of homework which i most sympathise, but ganbatte yeah!
My batch friends are mostly in JC now and are busy with either school work and CCA.
At TVC i'm still very stranger-like to most.
Am i even remembered...i really do wonder at times.
Life isn't fair i know, but i do remember all of you! Every now and then i would like to forward some cute or well wishes to my friends out there to let you all know i care and remember all of you.
I don't ask for anything in return, but it is still sad to feel lonely.
Is it again my approach being wrong?
Getting emotional won't help i know. Yet i cannot restrain my emotions right now.
I reflected time and again, as each day pass, how my error will cause the many repercussions to follow. I regret deeply. I finally understand i'm incorrigible. Still, i want people to accept my existence and worth. I keep fighting on and on with no particular aim. All those long-term goals and plans are merely my excuses to push myself on. After these 19 years i am still trying to figure out who i am.
I don't really believe in any religion, though i believe in the good teachings they spell. I have always believed in myself, and me alone. I don't really trust anybody totally; i hold back too much. I've tried over the past 4 years to open up more but i realised it made me weaker. I used to be able to hold my tears no matter what, but now i'm frail when it concerns matters of the heart.
I will forever remember what someone told me "You do not know what true love is." Indeed you may be totally right. That's why i've said i want to be single. Until the day i know my end has come will i tell the special someone my feelings (that is if i have then). I seem to only hurt those that i care. ..And someone once put it so bluntly "you play with people's feelings". I never knew i was seen as a devil.
I just cannot forget all these. They haunt me every day, every night. My retribution perhaps. I'm resigned to it. It was my fault to begin with. Especially with the reverie i'm holding right now.
These are the marks of my sin.
You know, i believe in my own strengths and abilities that i'm gifted with. I sincerely want to use my strengths to help others, but people tend to find me annoying instead. Few actually appreciate. What should i do? I'm exactly like a lost lamb in the vast horizon seeking a direction to move on before winter arrives and freeze everything; devouring all warmth.
I know this post sounds really negative, but i really yearn for someone to touch my forsaken soul. It can be anything, from love to friendship to inspiration. I need to become strong again or i cannot protect those who are important to me. I know all these may sound bullshit. However, i hope those who know me would agree.
At this point of time i must endure every remark even if it is scars me. It is important i do something for someone in my family or catastrophe might very well occur. I've lost a bond once, i don't wish to loose another.
Ugh
I need to pull myself together for now. Even if i so say, my heart still feels terrible now.
Alright i think that's enough of my rants. A quick review of a few happenings the past few days:
-KBox with my project group
-CYA
-Ritz Banquet
Today had TVC post-concert celebration (pot-luck) at Nelson's place. So so. A pity there were lots of leftovers. It was expected though. I made this new recipe i created only last night. It's a bottom layervbeing grape-flavored konyaku jelly with nata-de-coco and another layer of peach mango yogurt and cadbury marble chocolate on the top most.
Now, on a more positive note, next Thursday I will be ging out with Chris and maybe a few other friends to learn bladding, and celebrate with him his birthday too! Have not really decided what to get for him. I usually believe in handmade gifts being more thoughtful. See how again bahz.
Making food for people is a rare thing you'll see me do. tsk tsk
When can i be the one held?
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uoy evol llits i
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gomme nasai...
Ang Woon Jiun (Abel) wishing for the STAR at 3/11/2007 11:36:00 PM
